"Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform to you?"

Craig: "Trying to tell if someone is an asshole is like trying to tell if someone is wearing boxers or briefs under their pants.. you can't tell unless you get involved."

Eric: "I'm an adult now!!"
Red: "Really? Well you keep saying it, so it must be true. Here, let me try, 'Hi, I'm Mr. Rogers'.. Nope, I'm not wearing his sweater."

Sara: "I didn't start wearing makeup till I was about 15."
Josh: "Me too."

Emma spits water out, it lands on her face: "My forehead is crying...."
Emma keeps spitting water out, but this time it lands on Sara.
Sara: "Emma, stop it!"
Emma: "Oh, I'll tell the gardener to turn the sprinkler off."

"Overcooking may result in a loss of gravy." - On a Chicken Pot Pie box

Fernando: "I'm a nice person who cares about people's feelings, so I can't just scam on bitches like that."

Sex In The City - Samantha: "It's been 3 and a half weeks and you still haven't seen his balls? Get with the program!"

"Since when did anybody think they could put Paris Hilton in front of a camera and have it not turn out pornographic? That would be like taking a picture of Barney and then flipping out because there was a purple dinosaur in the middle of your photograph."

"I was at this girl's house, and I didn't have any condoms. She goes, "That's OK." She hands me a Magnum condom she had in a drawer. A Magnum! The fucking package looks like a CD case. I said, "Thanks. If we go fly-fishing, I can stand in these, like sea boots." - Dov Davidoff

"Yes, I have plenty of change you homeless piece of shit. Thanks for asking." - On a T-Shirt at tshirthell.com

"I may have alzheimers.. but at least I don't have alzheimers!" - On a T-Shirt at tshirthell.com

Tyler: "I can't believe I used to be the size of a newborn baby."
Sara: "Yea, now look at you, you big giant!"
Tyler: "Yea.. but I fold up real nice

"I dunno if I could use that minty lube, my dick would shrivel up like a stack of dimes."

"Marjory Stuart Baxter, you taste like sunshine dust... Hubert Cumberdale, you taste like soot and poo!" - Salad Fingers

Nicci: "Yea so Brad was telling me how he remembers the red carpet in the basement and and the bush with the hole in it so we can peep on the neighbors.. "
Sara: "What? Creepy. I've been to your house LOTS and I don't remember a hole in your bush."

Sara: What the hell was that?
Nicci: I don't know! It sounded like a dog whistle.
Sara: Yea, I know. I heard it.

Nicci (attempting to scream like Joel from Insipid): Haha I sound like a Velopcerasper! haha VOLUPTUOUS RAPPER! hahaha"

"Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear."

"Anyone I may have used should feel happy that they even had a use. It's better than being useless." - Marilyn Manson

"It's amazing the things you can get away with when something looks wrong with one of your eyes, you have badly applied makeup, you're 6-foot-three and your accompanied by some weirdo with the front of his head shaved, who looks a cross between Gregory Hines and a Klingon on crack undergoing radiation therapy." - Marilyn Manson

Sara (looking at the cardboard Tampax vending machine in the girls bathroom at The Corral): "Tampax, specially designed to rip apart your vagina!"

Nicci (talking about Eric's mouth): "Not too sound like old uncle mike that grabs everyone at family functions but I can't get over how nice his mouth is"

Nicci: "He's not very good looking like nice arms and garbage but his face needs to be lit on fire..."

(While Driving)
Kennedy: "I wonder why he is flashing his lights at me.."
Sara: "Maybe there's a cop up ahead."
Kennedy: "Yea well I don't have anything to get busted for, except a gat in my backpack.."

Kennedy: "I'm going to bite you in your ditch!"

Jon's friend, Dave: "I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself."

Sara: "I think that all the artists that have depressing music should include razor blades as an emo bonus in their CDs, you know cuz that way, it would kill two birds with one stone.. or a whole bunch of emos."

"I'm so smart I'm almost retarded!" - Mason, Dead Like Me

Kennedy: "I don't wake up with morning wood, because when I sleep I ejaculate all over myself.. I wake up with more of a morning lake. "

Sara: "How much is a stick of butter?"
Carolyn:"I dunno, about a dollar"

Jon: "OK, if my chump ass can think of a cool topic for How It's Made, how the fuck did buddy who picked "compost" keep his job?? I guess I don't know he did, but STILL, I'm sure Jimmy in Kindergarten can figure out how the fuck dirt is made."

Sara: "You and me are the same person only you have a penis"
Jon: "So do you, its just inside out... that or my vagina's hangin out"

Kristin: "Oh my goodness, haha, I thought that kid was a dog!"

Sara: "What do you smell like?"
Kennedy: "I dunno, is it bad?"
Sara: "No, different. You smell like something back here and another over here!"
Kennedy: "Well smell down here, you'll get a 3rd smell"

Beth: "I don't want kids.. ever. I think if I ever had a kid I'd shake it. "

Chris (After joining yet another site he was on): "Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaawa, you are gonna get like 298439 messages a day. Stop being so hot."

Andrew: "If I'm a circus freak, does that mean your the circus tent?"

Spence: "I'm not racist, I have a color TV."

Emowobble - Definition: A style of contemporary style of dance where emaciated sububanites with mood disorders sway back and forth to music that sounds like a billy goat doing a poetry reading over a funeral dirge. Example: "I swear to Christ, the next guy I see emowobbling to Bright Eyes is going to get a moyuthful of angry."

Angela: "People always say that breastfeeding your baby is such a beautiful, natural thing.. yea
well.. so is the act of making your baby but you're not allowed to do THAT on a bench in
the mall are you?"

Angela: "Avril is cute now. I like her better now that she found her vag and cleaned the sand out of it. A sandy vag is bound to make anyone cranky."

Nicci (Talking to me about something someone showed her): This is for my eyes only......... My eyes are your eyes.

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